Killer Wine

A wine connoisseur sits alone in her house. It's nighttime and raining. Just then the phone rings.  She hesitates to answer,  the local sommelier's been harassing her lately.  She decides to answer.  A mysterious voice comes over the line.  It whispers, "Vino what you did last summer..."

Playtime's Over Kids

A young boy of seven or eight puts away his Legos.  Rain patters lightly on the window. It’s a dark and gray afternoon.  He pauses before he clasps the Tupperware container shut, looking down at the colorful box in his hands, his face solemn and thoughtful.  Just then his mom enters.  “Done with your Legos, sweetie?” He look ups, his deep thoughts broken.  “Uh? Yeah, done.”  He snaps the lid shut and puts the Lego container on the shelf. He moves towards the window, looking out into the gray blur.  “Would you like some more for Christmas?”  she asks as she folds a shirt on his bed.  He doesn’t respond and continues to gaze solemnly out the window.  “Sweetie? Did you hear me?”  He looks up.  “Yes, I heard you,” he replies, “and no, I don’t want any more Legos.”  The mom looks up now as he turns his gaze back out the window.  “Really?? You’ve been getting Legos for years.  That doesn’t sound like you!”   He continues to stare blankly out the window. The raindrops slide like tears down the glass. “I know,” he says, barely above a whisper. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”  

Knock Knock

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Who cares.

Who cares who?

Uh, I think you do...considering you just asked "who's there?"

Massages are Too Relaxing

A man lies down on a massage table. With the sound of babbling brooks playing and the lighting low and warm, it’s a very relaxing atmosphere. The masseuse enters. She has the calming demeanor of a spiritual guru with long braids and beads around her neck. “Mmm,” she purrs in sultry voice, “let’s begin.” She holds up a handful of smooth stones. The man says, “Ohh, are those heated stones going to relax the muscles in my lower back?” She closes her eyes and with a warm smile says, ”Mmm, yes. These stones will do exactly that. Pure relaxation is our goal.” The man smiles as she places the stones on his back. She opens a bottle of oil. “Ohh, will that oil loosen the muscles on my shoulders?” She closes her eyes and with a tranquil smile says, “Mmm, yes, this oil will do exactly that. The oil will seep into the skin and release the tension. Pure relaxation is our goal.” She rubs the oil on his shoulders. Next she lights a match. The man says, “Ohh, will the heat of the match draw out the toxins in my skin?” She smiles her deep warm smile, closes her eyes, and purrs, “Mmm, no. I just farted.”

Names

A Lakota native american rushes into the golf course club house and exclaims, "You'll never believe it!  Hole 5 - the hardest hole on the course - and I just broke the record!  I crushed the ball down the fairway on the drive, ten yards from the green and chipped an eagle!"  The bartender spits out his drink in shock and says, "You chip a wha!?"   The Lakota says, "No, I'm Lakota."

Farm Life Ain't Easy

        A young farm-boy is listening to music on his headphones when his dad comes in the room. "Son, it's time you became a real farmer. Go out and herd the sheep."  The boys eyes widen in surprise and he takes off his headphones and says, "What?"  The dad says, "Get out there."  The boy looks confused and says nervously, "how...how many?"  The dad says, "All of them!"  The boy looks anxious but says okay and goes out.  
       The boy comes in an hour later, covered in sheep guts and shreds of bloody wool, tears streaming down his face, and cries, "I did what you said, Dad, I hurt them, I hurt all of them!!"

Religion

a kid walks up to his priest and says, "father, your sermon on charity last week was great! I don't know how this week's sermon could be any better!"  The priest says "oh, jesuit you wait and see..."

political climate

My friend Ben invented a game when we were kids. We'd all get nets and run around in a field trying to catch the most butterflies. Everytime you caught one you had to yell out, "Yahoo!" to let everyone know you caught one. It was a great game, we called it...



"Benjamin Net n' Yahoo!"

Clothing Help

What clothing company will help you out in a tough situation?

Tommy, hilfiger it out!

Freudian Slip

Food and Travel

Why should you go to Jerusalem for the food?

Because israeli good.